Drink Up, Me Mateys Yo Ho!

Weeks ago i got an email from Greenpeace (they're the PETA of the environmental protection associations) with this as the subject:

"Are The Oceans Safe From PIRATES???"


Really, Greenpeace? Pirates? What next, Pirates Pillaging Pandas and Polar Bears?? (how ya like THAT alliteration??)

They tried to warn me, they IMPLORED that I listen, but come on -- Grey's Anatomy was on and I really couldn't be bothered to listen to a bunch of Patchouli-wearing hippies.

2 weeks later as I'm sitting, reading the news"paper" (aka: the interwebz) I come across a story that i couldn't even believe was real in this age.

On Wednesday, pirates (...yes...pirates) took control over a U.S cargo ship that was delivering food aid supplies to Somalia, Rwanda and Uganda. By combining the best parts of Lethal Weapon, Pirates of The Caribbean and some movie where the bad guys are from Africa, these Somalian pirates on speedboats (armed with missile launchers and army-grade tank-piercing machine guns) reached the ship "Maersk Alabama" and attempted to overtake the ship off The Horn of Africa. (a name that sounds less like an ocean passageway and more like a cure for Erectile Dysfunction.)

As this rag-tag team of pirates (none of which were under any ancient curse, sigh) hijacked the ship, the brave American Captain -- in order to save the lives of his crew -- sacrificed his own freedom in exchange for the ones of his men (has he not heard of Parlay?). The pirates, satisfied with just the captain, set the other crew members adrift on a tiny ship and kept the captain in their captivity.

Of course, the U.S. Navy immediately stepped in and since Wednesday they have regained control of the ship, but have been unable to rescue the Captain from the band of pirates.

Which really just leads me to one question... these pirates, while they are probably ruthless and not really as adorably-rough as Disney portrays them, can't REALLY be that much of a challenge to defeat. You know, with our millions of dollars worth of weaponry and trained-to-kill U.S. Navy SEALS.

Also... at this point... what exactly are the pirates holding out for? Do they want money? Do they want immunity? Do they want a fresh virgin at their disposal?


Seriously though, I'm pretty sure an entire army of Navy SEALS could overpower a band of maybe 30 or 40 militia-trained "pirates", especially considering the fact that they're holding an American hostage. I guess you only get rescued if you're a hot English damsel with terrible acting abilities.

Either way, to be honest, I'm a little disappointed with the whole predicament. There is no epic music, no sea-faring monsters, no witchcraft, no jaunty songs about "pillaging and plundering" for the pursuit of fun and NO DEMANDS FOR RUM!

Why is the rum always gone?

(ps: I realize I'm basing most of my assumption about pirates on Disney's portrayal of them. But really, do any of you have more experience with them than that? Thats right.)


update: the captain has been freed and 3 pirates are dead. Hooray! Democracy lives on!

A black president, a Russian president and nuclear bombs. Is this an action movie??

So, as some of you may know, as a Journalism/International Relations major, i am constantly scouring the news for current events and interesting stuffz. I really do believe it is vital that people know not only what is going on in their own backyard or on the latest episode of The Hills, but also what happens internationally because -- lets face it, the United States educational system is incredibly egocentric and for the most part, we are completely oblivious to anything that goes on outside of our four metaphorical walls of baseball and apple pie.

Besides, international affairs are so much more interesting than anything you'll see on Flavor of Love. Like, SOOOOO totally full of DRAMAAA!

However, i sympathize that it can be a little involved and complicated to understand, so here -- in totally awesome bullet points, is a recap of the world's recent news. In a way we can all appreciate.

A la, Best Week Ever!

or something.

- First, earlier in the week, protesters against the G20 Summit (which is like the meeting of the Justice League, and Brazil is the one with hot tits that doesn't really DO much, but we keep her around because she makes our happy parts tingle.) caused an enormous riot in the streets of England in front of The Royal Bank of Scotland (confusing, i know) in protest of the self-awarded bonuses that CEO's from the failing bank gave themselves after receiving a federal bailout.
This is like if you ask the fat girl from high school out to prom because you felt bad for her, then she dumped you and went out with the Quarterback.

These protesters went ballistic. There were grown men in business suits getting into fistfights, random window bashing, anarchists complete with asinine posters saying things like "abolish money" (yeah, that's a well thought-out plan.), bank employees even dressed like homeless people just to get through the mob without getting attacked!
Britney Spears never had it this bad.
The topping on the cluster-fuck sundae, though? The bank executives and middle management leaning out of building windows waving MONEY at the people below that have none. Stay classy, Royal Bank of Scotland.

- This past Thursday was the G20 summit, hosted by none other than jolly ol' London! This is basically the Oscars for world politics. Except no red carpet and the things they affect your wallet. If the Justice League went to the Oscars, it would equal to the G20.
I will now list the members and include their general views on how to deal with this economic downward spiral into Hell:
Argentina - "we just want to Tango with the Devil!"
Australia - "I agree with England"
Brazil - "My tits are nice, no?"
Canada - "Well, aboot that, our medicare and welfare program is super good, eh? So we agree with England too. We are one of their colonies after all."
China - "MORE THINGS MADE FROM CHINA! SELL EVERYWHERE! STIMULATE GLOBAL ECONOMY! YOU PAY NOW!!"
France - "Sighhh..but i'm le tired! I am the President! Bah, 1 million of my citizens demand a stimulus. I blame you MTV with your hippy hop and rock and roll!"
Germany - "We're still recovering from fucking WWII and you want us to spend MORE money?!?!"
India - "You have already outsourced all of your businesses to us. You snooze, you lose, my friend."
Indonesia - "Fair trade? no thank you. We are happy selling knockoff jeans."
Italy - "Bippity Boppity we agree with France for once! Bippity!"
Japan - "Your wasteful ways have destroyed us America-San. Moderation is what we need."
Mexico - "We have other shit to deal with, Ese"
Russia - "Obama, you are much smarter than that cowboy, Bush. We believe stimulus could work."
Saudi Arabia - "Now who will buy our oil?? DAMN YOU OBAMAAAA!!"
South Africa - "Stimulus?? No."
South Korea - "NUCLEAR WEAPONS?!! WE DONT HAVE! oh...oh...i mean... no stimulus."
Turkey - I have no idea.
United Kingdom - "Our people pay GST and PST, but that means we have medicare and welfare that is unparalleled. Stimulus would just further our debt. We can ride this out."
United States - "You gotta spend money to make money."
andddd...
European Union - "RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE RABBLE!!"

So, needless to say -- going into the Summit, Obama really had his work of convincing the rest of the world's powers that a stimulus package was the way to go.
Most people said it would be impossible: "It will be a confrontation between 2 worlds: One that wants more regulation and one that wants less..." but, it turns out that Obama is not only the coolest human on the planet, but also the smoothest.
He convinced most countries that a STIMULUS WOULD BE THE WAY TO GO.
i mean, how can you deny him?? He gave the Queen of England a freaking iPOD! Amazing.

He is smoother than James Bond.

And as former International Monetary Fund Chief Economist, Simon Johnson says, "Europe must stop dragging its feet, or risk another Great Depression."

This is prooobably not an issue we should procrastinate on, Europe.


Beyond that??
Obama met with the new Russian president, Dmitriy Anatolyevich Medvedev (tell me that doesn't sound like a James Bond title), and even after decades of piss-poor relations between the United States and Russia.. all Obama had to do was look into Medvedev's big blue eyes and smile. Dmitriy Medvedev melted into a puddle like a tween at a Jonas Brothers concert.

Now Russia has agreed to sign a treaty to reduce the number of nuclear arms in Russia (a treaty that the Bush administration had refused to sign. Probably because they could not pronounce "nuclear".) and also to help reduce it all over the world.

The best part of this? Aside from the beautiful romance blooming between Obama and Medvedev? Russia has agreed to help talk to Iran and North Korea (the U.S's crazy ex-girlfriends) to help relations between countries! This is like becoming friends with the leader of the assholes that bullied you in middle school!
Hopefully, Russia will issue a proverbial slap upside N.Korea's head and tell it to stop acting like such a petulant fucking child with a magnifying glass and some ants.

We have yet to see how it turns out.
So stay tuned.

(Didnt i tell you it was full of awesome drama? You're welcome.)

Lesbian Advice For The Straight Guy Episode 6

YAY!! finally!!!

It's All Greek To Me

I was recently listening to an NPR story on language and how when used in ways appropriate to your audience, it can do wonders to get your point across. NPR discussed how President Obama (god, typing that still feels good) uses language differently when he is speaking to a largely white and affluent audience, then a suburban audience and then an urban or inner city audience.
Just by changing the inflection of his voice, the meter of his speech, or even his posture and gesticulations he could make anyone from any social group feel at ease.
They also focused on the fact that he actively changed his vernacular to appeal to his black audience, latino audience or white audience.
Now this is what I have a problem with.
As an immigrant to the United States, having gone through the process of learning and mastering the English language as my second tongue, I have to admit that the slow -- yet steady -- decline of English has become one of my biggest pet peeves.
Beyond that, it has become a real concern of mine.

I can't count the number of times that I have been sitting in a public area just minding my own business when I overhear a conversation that usually goes something like this:

Girl with big glasses and Ugg boots: "i dunno! like this guy was tryin to talk to me, ya know? but like he kept saying things that i just didnt understand, like using big words and stuff. Its like um okay i know youre smart like duh! i swear like some of the words were made up. What does dera...uh...derrogra....derrogratery? derogatory? okay whatever. what does that even MEAN?? Speak ENGLISH!!"

I wish I were joking.

And it's not only white spoiled rich girls that suffer from this serious lack of language usage. It's every age group and every sub-group.
With every generation that goes by we are less and less inclined to learn how to properly use English. It is often accused of being a less flowery and expressive language in comparison to Spanish, French, Japanese or the like -- tell that to Fitzgerald or Samuel Clemens. Not ringing a bell? Okay, how about Shakespeare?
The English language is extremely rich and powerfully descriptive when used correctly. Any major work of literature is proof enough of that.

And that is the big problem i have. Why change your language or speech patterns when addressing yourself to different audiences? Is that not a disservice to the very audience you are speaking to?
In short, is dumbing down your language the same as dumbing down your audience?

Now before i'm accused of being prejudiced or hypocritical, please hear (read?) me out.
YES I do often use different language to address different people, but that is always in an informal setting. In a bar with my guy friends, of course i'll change the way i speak from when i am speaking to my professor, but will I dumb down my own speech in order to reach the people i'm talking to? Hell no.
Also, i completely understand (and have studied) the entire culture behind the slang used in different sub-cultures. I know that it is not only a part of how they speak but also a part of how they live and how they relate to others.

That brings us to the second part of the argument:
Isn't it true, then, that to know how to be understood by all is the true measure of a mastery of any language?

I don't know how much i agree with this. While yes, on the surface, the statement is undeniably true -- where is the limit? Where can the line be drawn between using slang to be understood and using slang because those are the only words you are familar with?

I personally have no idea.
All i know is that I am deeply concerned about the state of the younger generation and how they relate to the world. Am I going to reach my 50th birthday only to have some 30-year old approach me with a "what up brah'?"
A daily bombardment of terrible language and equally abominable media has my generation and those after mine on the losing end of this undeclared war.
Perhaps if we just pick up a book, or use our own brains to grow and refuse to conform our own vernacular to that of those around us, then maybe we stand a chance.

Maybe.
Either way, i'll go down swinging.

New NEW vlog!! Episode 5!

Hot lesbians talking about stuff.
Lesbian Advice For The Straight Guy: Episode 5

We Interrupt Your Regular Programming:

So, it's been a while since I've written. What can I say? My personal life sort of fell into a million tiny pieces faster than I could deal with it, so I had to take a bit of a hiatus from writing. See, although writing (for me) is cathartic -- it is also a very mentally and emotionally taxing exercise. So naturally, I did everything except write, just to avoid dealing with my emotions.
Besides, who wants to read a bunch of broken-hearted whining on my blog? I write on here to make you guys laugh and think. Not to be a buzz-kill. I try to put a humorous spin on everything, but I just can't in this situation. At least not yet.

So, on that note, I present to you a semi-serious blog entry:

There are people in your life that come and once they go, their short stay is no surprise. Then there are some people, friends or otherwise, that you're convinced will be in your life forever.
Over the past two years I was lucky enough to have a girlfriend that I could truly call my best friend. She and I did everything together. We fell asleep together, woke up together, made love, we traveled, we lived, we laughed and shared a love so deep and strong that even strangers on the street would stop us to comment. We built our own world and lived an eternity in just one day.
I was convinced that this was the woman I would spend the rest of my days with -- and even that would never be enough time with her.

Unfortunately, life is like a crappy vending machine -- you push the button for Coca-Cola and it gives you a Dr.Pepper. Life never really goes the way you plan and no matter how much you pray and hope for something, everything can be swept out from underneath you before you even have the chance to get your footing.
There is no one to blame (which, quite honestly just makes things harder) and no clear reason as to why things turned out the way they did. Maybe it was stress, maybe it was life, perhaps it was bad timing. Maybe she grew bored of me long ago and fell out of love, only to realize it now. Maybe she no longer wants a life with me or with anyone else.
Maybe it was me, maybe it wasn't.

All of these questions are painful to deal with or think about, but I've come to the realization that it doesn't matter. The answers don't matter. What is important is where you go from here. Life doesn't stop and wait for you to make sense of things. All you can do is keep living, seize the day and hope that with time things will work themselves out or at the very least become clear.

It took me a long time to get to this point but i have to give a lot of the credit to someone whom I've never even met or spoken to. A girl named Tea Dough. She once wrote me a beautiful letter about my love for my girlfriend and how obvious my complete adoration and devotion to her was, even across the computer screen to a world of strangers. Then once I informed her that we were no longer together, she said that it was my continuing unrequited love for her that meant more than anything.
I had never had anyone say that to me or even give it any merit. I didn't think it deserved any. After all, isn't that what love is?
Tea Dough continued, explaining that she had been going through some really rough times, but that whenever she would read my short messages on Twitter (i'm lame, i know.) regarding my ex, she wouldn't feel so alone. That perhaps a love like the one she pictured did exist. (I'm here to promise you it does.)

I suppose that is when the haze in my mind was lifted. Maybe this was no longer about only me. If what I was going through could help anyone even in the smallest way, then maybe it wasn't for no reason -- and maybe I was strong enough to get through it. In a way I suppose it was comforting because since I felt that this love was larger than me, then it was only fitting that the end of the relationship would be larger than me as well.

Perhaps in the future everything will line up again and we will come together once more -- loving each other more than ever, but until then I will be living life.
Thank you Tea Dough for helping me see beyond my own sadness. And thank you to Kali, Vashti, Adam, Leeanne, Ricardo, Nico and Michelle. You guys never fail to reach out from all corners of the world and cheer me up. You owe me nothing, yet you offer an ear and a shoulder at any given moment.
Last, thank you to my best friends; my boys. You guys have gotten me through some of my darkest days and you continue to do so. Also Gloria, Sandy and Malerie: We are new friends yet I cannot begin to tell you how much our nights out helped to pull me out of my depression. You guys are the coolest cats on the block, pretty much. Seriously though, i'm so happy you came into my life -- you're sort of a big deal.


Okay, thanks for reading, guys! I promise the next entry will be much more funny and not so full of Teh Sadz.

You may now return to your regular programming.

Lesbian Advice For The Straight Guy Episode 4

hoorayyy!!
anal sex!

jk.
kinda.

Lesbian Advice - Episode 3

Part 1




Part 2
Thanks for watching! Comment please =]

For Your Consideration

This is something i wrote in English as a quick-write-warm up, so it's not polished -- don't judge me.
I'm just fairly happy with the way it turned out. This is more for me to record these moments. As proof that they did indeed happen.

Orchids stand peacefully by the windowsill, their perfume ebbs and flows through the long stretch of hallway. A single room, illuminated by rays of sun trickling through skylights, shy but eager to enter. The soft mew of a kitten breaks the silence as its tiny body wraps itself around your ankle -- feet and paws pad quietly along the cold wood floor to the windows that run from ceiling to floor. The fresh breeze is a welcome relief from the heat, accentuated by the cold feel of grainy brick against ten fingertips.
Art hangs from the walls -- postcards of foreign places yet to be seen. Photographs punctuate the room; some small and some larger than the eye can absorb, but all beautiful moments in the artist's imagination.
It is small, but it is comfortable -- organized in its own perfect inhabited chaos. It is not my place, but it is my home.
A stirring under soft white sheets, and green meets brown for the first time since they slept. Two white smiles, as soft beige skin finds its place in the ridges and valley of the tan warm body. Breathing in the familiar scent, fingers interlock and we are at peace within disorder.

Little Red Snow Cinderella with the 7 Dwarves??

As I may or may not have mentioned, I am not a native speaker of the English language. I was born in Bogota, Colombia and lived there until I was but a wee tyke of 6. It was then that I moved to Vancouver, British Columbia and my entire immersion into the average American childhood was left up to television. My parents were fantastic when I was a child. They tried to teach me the stories they grew up hearing, and gave me a Hans Christian Andersen for me to read for myself. However, if any of you have read his book, you’ll find that they are really nothing like the Disney versions that kids become indoctrinated with from an early age. No, Hans loved himself some gore and plenty of hard learned morality. And I mean HARD learned.

The stories my parents and grandparents ended up telling me were actually more along the lines of the sorts of stories that just keep you up at night. Thinking. In fact, I can distinctly remember losing hours of sleep on the stories my grandma would tell me.

To summarize an example of one her truly golden stories:

There was once a little boy who collected black marbles. Every day he would play with his marbles and take care of them, gently put them back in his little pouch and place them in their usual spot on his shelf. For every birthday, Christmas or surprise gift since he could remember, he would ask for a little black marble. He loved them. One day, the boy grew into a man and that man graduated college and moved out of his home. As he reached into the box that held his little black marbles, he realized – they weren’t there. And he never found them again.
The End.

I shit you not.

So, it was this sort of story that I grew up listening to, always making sure to fall asleep before the end, so I would still be listening to the part that made me happy. When it wasn’t grandma that I was learning from, it would be left up to two programs and two programs alone. Lamb Chops Play-Along and The Magic School Bus. To this day I can name you almost every single episode of both shows, and can manage to dissect the complicated, yet strangely sexual undertones between Wanda and Arnold.
It was all thanks to Sherri Lewis that I learned what the Song That Never Ends is, and even though I may have not quite understood what I was singing, by god, I SANG IT AT THE TOP OF MY LUNGS.

Oh, but please don’t even ask me about Dr. Seuss as I personally think that his books are tools of evil to make little foreign children look really, really stupid in their elementary class. I mean what kind of eggs are green?! WHAT KIND OF SENSE DOES THAT EVEN MAKE??? Can you BLAME me for being confused by hopping on pop?? Is pop a proper noun, or is it slang?? IS IT DRUGS?!

I don’t get it. I don’t even want to talk about it.

However -- I will admit that I long for someone to drink wine with me and read Dr. Seuss aloud to me. I don’t know why but I think it would be incredible to hear someone read who actually has the correct inflection and understanding. To this day I can’t properly read that bastard’s books. He is my white whale. Maybe a whole new world would be opened up to me if I were to hear it from someone else's mouth.

Anyway, goodbye tangent. Back to what I was saying… oh yes -- all of this lack of usual education in popular movies and childhood knowledge were the major catalysts in the way that I watch movies now and can listen to a fairy tale like it is literally the first time.

For example, when Enchanted came out in theatres, I went with my girlfriend and I was literally giddy with excitement. I can remember watching the short trailers on repeat on my computer – I’m pretty sure I tried to dance along too. Yes, I’m very embarrassing. Anyway, when we got to the theatre I was beside myself with excitement and I was yapping my poor girlfriend’s ear off about musicals and Disney musicals and how different they are, but how they both have their merits and how much I want to blow Alan Menken and Stephen Schwartz. You know – the only appropriate way to show someone how much you appreciate their talent.

The lights dimmed, and I swear to god I gripped my girlfriend’s hand like I wanted to break it off from the pure joy I was feeling. I was on the edge of my seat for 90% of it. In fact, I’m fairly certain that at one point my girlfriend stopped watching the movie and just settled on watching my reactions to the movie.

The movie was wonderful and I cried when they dance at the ball and he sings softly into her ear. Thank you Disney. But then, the wicked witch appears and I can remember the next moments almost frame by frame. The witch offers her the poison apple and after seeing her one true love in the arms of another woman, Giselle takes a bite and falls into a “deep and troubled sleep.” Then she is subsequently rescued by Prince Edward and placed gently on a white duvet. As they race to figure out a way to help her, Robert realizes that the only way to pull her out of her slumber is for her to have her True Love’s Kiss. With my eyes wide open, I hold my breath as Prince Edward leans down to kiss her. Kiss. He waits – nothing happens…

“Oh no!!” I gasp. Out loud. Loud enough for the 3 rows in front of us to hear me.
My girlfriend tries her hardest not to laugh, kisses me on the top of the hand and says “it’s okay babe, just watch.”

And as Robert kisses her, she wakes up and says “I knew it was you.”

Which leaves me with just one question:

Why am I such an immigrant??